Rummer Hotel, Bristol

Overpriced up-its-own-arse hotel bar which serves no draught. The bottle-conditioned Bristol Beer Factory Milk Stout has been lovingly chilled to the temperature of a shit lager

Red Lion, Earlswood, Solihull

Nice country pub that belies its Solihull location by being very friendly and not up its own arse. Unsurprisingly owned by the same company as two top Bristol pubs - the Willy Wicket and the Brassmill

Square Peg, Birmingham

First time I've ever been served in here in under four hours. Ok I exaggerate - three hours. Speaking as someone who has been in more than 328 billion pubs, this has to be the worst. Ever.

Old Contemptibles, Birmingham

You would think from the name that this is a contender for Brum's most violent and hate-filled boozer. However nothing could be further from the truth. It has, however, fallen victim to the seemingly unstoppable Nicholson's takeover, but it's one of their better ones. And it has a lovely bog.

Old Royal, Birmingham

Typical Victorian Brummie boozer which was my 'regular' when I worked up the road. It's always packed on a weekday lunchtime, being in the business area, but it's strangely popular on a Saturday lunch too. There's no football on in Brum today, and they're not shoppers, so what their agenda is I don't know. None of my business anyway.

Wellington, Birmingham

Brum's premier ale house (that's my description, not theirs) with 18 beers on handpump plus a few real ciders too. Unfortunately it does tend to attract beer bores with oversized rucksacks but even that's better than the crazed Christmas-shopper-filled streets outside.

Channing's Hotel, Clifton, Bristol

Clifton's least-pretentious pub, where good beer and conversation abound. They used to have vinyl records attached to the wall, which have now mysteriously disappeared. Sign of the times perhaps - flogged on eBay?

Alma Tavern, Clifton, Bristol

More cunts than a copy of Razzle

Jersey Lily, Clifton Down, Bristol

Not a bad pub but they're serving two south-western beers with fuckin sparklers on the taps. I didn't notice until it was poured so didn't have chance to ask for it to be removed. And they've got no veggie main meals on the menu. Make the most of this post as I won't be back for a while.

Jersey Lily, Clifton Down, Bristol

Not a bad pub but they're serving two south-western beers with fuckin sparklers on the taps. I didn't notice until it was poured so didn't have chance to ask for it to be removed. And they've got no veggie main meals on the menu. Make the most of this post as I won't be back for a while.

Cambridge Arms, Redland, Bristol

No talk of masturbatory track-covering as last time, just a couple of blokes talking about Hong Kong being only nine hours away. I assume that's by aeroplane. No music on at all in here so I'm declaring it exempt from the Christmas song challenge.

Kebab & Calculator, Henleaze, Bristol

Better than last time I was in, but still lacking the atmosphere that it once had. Have I managed to avoid a Christmas song yet? Have I fuck!

Eastfield Inn, Henleaze, Bristol

I wonder if I can drink in a pub tonight without hearing a Christmas record. Probably not, but while the beer's this good, who cares?

Full Moon, Stokes Croft, Bristol

Crusty as fuck with a hint of dope in the air. But what else would you expect from Stokes Croft? Love it.

Hillgrove Porter Stores, Kingsdown, Bristol

Nice range of well-kept ales but full of young cunts with beards

Hare On The Hill, Kingsdown, Bristol

Bath Ales' first pub, quite small by their usual standards. Nice beer, shit Christmas tree.

The Crown, Birmingham

Another boring city centre pub with nice beer FORCED THROUGH A FUCKING SPARKLER and full of cunts. They're playing Metallica - that proves my point

Trocadero, Birmingham

Boring city centre pub with surprisingly good beer. This place was once unique as a football nutters' pub without a permanent allegiance - whoever was at home out of Blues and Villa claimed it as their territory for that afternoon. Then on the night the opposing fans would come down and it would bang off big style. I much preferred it back then.

Craven Arms, Birmingham

Cosy little corner pub, recently acquired by Black Country Ales and offering eleven ales as well as - get this - Thatcher's Gold (unusual for Brum). I have many happy memories of watching football here with my mates from the Royal Mail sorting office next door. Sadly that has now gone, as have the screens in the pub. Can't complain though - they're playing the whole of the White Album.

The Crown (The Knob), King's Heath, Birmingham

Part of the Crown Carvery chain - once the Kings Arms, always The Knob. Our drinks were on the house for reasons which I won't divulge online - good start to the weekend!