The Crown, Birmingham

Another boring city centre pub with nice beer FORCED THROUGH A FUCKING SPARKLER and full of cunts. They're playing Metallica - that proves my point

Trocadero, Birmingham

Boring city centre pub with surprisingly good beer. This place was once unique as a football nutters' pub without a permanent allegiance - whoever was at home out of Blues and Villa claimed it as their territory for that afternoon. Then on the night the opposing fans would come down and it would bang off big style. I much preferred it back then.

Craven Arms, Birmingham

Cosy little corner pub, recently acquired by Black Country Ales and offering eleven ales as well as - get this - Thatcher's Gold (unusual for Brum). I have many happy memories of watching football here with my mates from the Royal Mail sorting office next door. Sadly that has now gone, as have the screens in the pub. Can't complain though - they're playing the whole of the White Album.

The Crown (The Knob), King's Heath, Birmingham

Part of the Crown Carvery chain - once the Kings Arms, always The Knob. Our drinks were on the house for reasons which I won't divulge online - good start to the weekend!

Swan, Almondsbury, Bristol

Overpriced pub which could be cosier and nicer than it is. Beer could be better too. In its defence, I've eaten here before and can recommend the food.

Griffin, Bridgeyate, Bristol

Watching my bet on Spurs to win go down the pan

Old Crown, Kelston, Somerset

A proper country pub, out on the old road between Bristol and Bath. Good beer, good food, good atmosphere and real fire to boot. In the words of the late, great Ian Dury, there's NOTHING wrong with it!

Green House, Bristol

No one who actually lives in Bristol, be they native or student, drinks here. It's just full of painters and decorators who are 'on a job out-of-town'. And the sort of women who want to shag painters and decorators who are 'on a job out-of-town'.

Bristol Ram, Bristol

Boring pub, boring music, nice beer, nice legs. 

Ship Inn, Bristol

There's one of those private-yet-open-to-everyone-but-if-you-touch-our-food-you're-fucking-dead parties going on. The music started well with Davids Cassidy and Essex but has now descended to the depths of 80s pop. Oh, hang on, it's just got worse - Ice Ice Baby. Time to go.

Zerodegrees, Bristol

I've only been here once before and the beer was shit. So I thought I'd give it another go. I've only been here twice and the beer is shit.

Colston Yard, Bristol

Once upon a time there was a magical land far, far away called Bristol. In this land there were two beautiful breweries, one called Smiles and another called Hardington. A young man named Richard used to travel for miles from his hometown of Birmingham to sample the delights that these two humble breweries had to offer. Sadly they no longer exist, however I am sitting in the pub that used to be Smiles' Brewery Tap. It's now owned by Butcombe and while the beer is excellent, I JUST WANT SMILES BACK! WAAAAAAHHH!

Gryphon, Bristol

Last time they were playing Iron Maiden. I thought it couldn't get any worse but now they're playing Everything I Do Is Driven By You by Brian May. Now I like 70s Queen, I like Brian's adventures in astrophysics and I particularly like his opposition to the badger cull. But this is taking the piss. ***UPDATE*** Their answer to Colin Hunt off The Fast Show has just walked in. What a wanker.

Graze, Bristol

Specially for the Festivity Ale mmmmm!

Beer Emporium, Bristol

Back again... fucking love this place!

Ye Olde Flower Pot, Kingswood, Bristol

Pretentious it ain't, in spite of the name. The only pretence going on in Kingswood is the pretence to be ill, and therefore avoid work. But back to the matter in hand - a proper locals' pub which seems to capture an atmosphere that the other 10-ish locals' pubs in Kingswood don't. Maybe because the landlord is none other than ex-Rovers defender Graham Day. Last time I was in here there was a little Brummie bloke named Pete, who informed me that he was always in here and known as 'Little Pete the Brummie'. He's not here tonight. 

King's Arms, Kingswood, Bristol

Basic, no-frills High Street pub. But fuck me does this man know how to keep a decent pint or what? To the best of my knowledge it was bought outright about three years ago as a failing pub by a young ale enthusiast who has kept it afloat since and is slowly but surely turning it into the pub it deserves to be. It'll take time but as long as the ales are this good along the way, who cares?

King William IV, Staple Hill, Bristol

Staple Hill's rough-as-arseholes-but-sound-if-you're-not-looking-for-trouble pub. Love it.

Portcullis, Staple Hill, Bristol

Corner pub which has undergone a very strange internal makeover - contemporary curtains and Venetian blinds adorn the windows, while the old fixtures and fittings have been decorated in hideous pink and red with white trim. Sign on on the wall reads 'Monday Madness - any cask ale £2.50' which is fine if you like Doom Bar because there ain't any others.

Mezzé at the Green Dragon, Downend, Bristol

This was probably once a good pub, but it's been modernised and turned into a foodie joint, with only four small tables apparently aimed at drinkers (judging by the lack of cutlery and menus). However the whole experience is enhanced by the flat screen TV high up on the wall showing a loop of a roaring fire. Hmmmm.