Hot Rocks, Maindee, Newport

It's not hot. There is no rock, just R&B. And there are no spliffs overspilling. Anyone got the number for Trading Standards?

Royal Albert, Maindee, Newport

Recently reopened after a refurbishment. Doesn't look any different.

The Crown, Maindee, Newport

Proper back-street local which you could never come across by accident. Good lively atmosphere with occasional jovial music/football disagreements between the locals.

Maindee Hotel, Maindee, Newport

Lively boozer which rather quaintly still has several working CRT TVs scattered about, the biggest of which must be about 20". Fear not, there's a large pull-down screen for important events!

Scrum Half Sports Bar, Maindee, Newport

Dreadful music on the jukebox and The fucking Chase on TV. So much for the 'Sports Bar'.

The Dodger, Maindee, Newport

Big pub which never seems to be very full, in spite of the decent Weston's cider and Wickwar Ale on tap. Might be better when the footy season starts again.

Ye Shakespeare, Redcliffe, Bristol

Another good pub gentrified and charging London prices - £4.50 a pint FFS.

Seems to be jumping on the ale bandwagon but close by they've got serious competition from old CAMRA faves the Kings Head, Seven Stars and Cornubia, which are considerably cheaper. Which might explain why there are only three punters (including me) on a Friday night. 

Wellington, Horfield, Bristol

Goose, Kings Heath, Birmingham

Shabby cheapo boozer which attracts the absolute dregs of Brummie society. But today they're all at Wembley. Huzzah!

Hare and Hounds, Kings Heath, Birmingham

Used to be a good locals' boozer, also popular with passing trade from the High Street. Today it caters for hipster twats who like showing their underpants.

Redwood Farm, Catbrain, Bristol

I suppose an unremarkable new pub is better than a good closed one. And I just like the fact that I'm in a place called Catbrain.

Golden Lion, Bishopston, Bristol

Always seems to have a plethora of flyers and 'zines which suggest it's down with the scene. It's not. Whenever I drink here I leave wondering why I bothered.

Anchor, Bishopston, Bristol

Normally a big football pub, but tonight they're showing the rugby when the Scottish play-off is on. Possibly an important rugby game - I don't follow it. Nor Scottish football.

Royal Oak, Horfield, Bristol

Eat football, drink football, watch football, eat nice food, drink local ale/cider and watch football again.

Tinto Lounge, Horfield, Bristol

Not the sort of place you'd come to for a piss-up with the lads; a self-proclaimed "café bar" (and who am I to argue?), whose menu sits between pub-grub and gastropub.

Queen Vic, Horfield, Bristol

Tatty but likeable Rovers pub with friendly gaffer and locals. Job done.

Wellington, Horfield, Bristol

Newly opened after a refurb. Still the same good ale but gone are the nice little alcoves and Victorian screens along with most of its character. Don't like it.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

Thanks fans (all one of you, Barcelona's Singing Organ-Grinder).

Mall, Clifton, Bristol

Again, better than I expected. A sign reads 'downstairs for the Secret Garden'. If I was trying to keep something secret I wouldn't put a sign up.

White Lion, Clifton, Bristol

Not too up its own arse for the area. Nice view of the bridge and gorge, and good for watching footy. And that's it mainly. 

Lamb & Lion, Bath

Walking into a pub and finding £6 credit on the quiz machine - priceless.

The Mrs insisting on losing the lot on bingo - murder

Molloy's, Bath

Plastic Paddy pub thankfully lacking in plastic Paddies and mostly full of England  supporters. Also some French blokes who are being very sportsman-like by wearing Wales scarves (after their defeat yesterday)

Rising Sun, Bath

Busy back street pub with good beer and a pleasingly high bar-staff-to-punters ratio. A bit modernised for my liking but I'm not complaining.

Bath Brew House, Bath

Cask ale £3.40 a pint, keg 'craft' beer £5 a pint. 'The Emperor's New Clothes' springs to mind. 

King's Head, Bedminster Down, Bristol

Nice boozer but it's miles from the bus stop and it's pissing down!

Cross Hands, Bedminster Down, Bristol

Shithole where the IQ of the bar staff is so low that they're only able to serve people they've seen before.

Drawbridge, Bristol

Typical city centre pub full of rugby fans and the usual hen/stag parties. What could possibly go wrong?

Seven Stars, Bristol

Very quiet. If only they were showing the rugby, it would be packed. Maybe.

Crown, Bristol

Rock pub, not normally busy at this time of day put packed today, I assume for the rugby. Which is why the clientele is disappointingly mainly male, as opposed to the usual scantily-clad rock chicks.

Bank Tavern, Bristol

I was followed in by a group of ale enthusiasts on a pub crawl. Thankfully they're not talking loudly about beer and none have oversized rucksacks.

Star Inn, Pucklechurch, Gloucestershire

Nice little locals' boozer with attire ranging from suits to plaster-covered work trousers, and a choice of ale or rough cider. Diversity is always a good thing.

The Bull, Hinton, Gloucestershire

Wadworth country pub with good beer, real fire and the hits of Burt Bacharach playing. What's not to like?

Crown, Longwell Green, Bristol

Shit Harvester with no ale. Plenty of dickheads though.

Brassmill, Keynsham

Sat in front of a real fire supping ale, while the river outside is at bursting point. I like to live dangerously.

Plume Of Feathers, Shirley, Solihull

So far I've spent most of the day in Shirley. Ha ha old Brummie joke.

Strawberry Fields Bar, Shirley, Solihull

An odd little place that used to be a shop. Last time I was in here a few years ago it seemed a bit cliquey but today it's very friendly.

Saracens Head, Shirley, Solihull

The only redeeming feature of this place was the Friday night disco which used to attract some right fucktards. But now even that's gone.

Red Lion, Shirley, Solihull

When I lived up here the landlord of this place was a right miserable twat. Still is.

Drawbridge, Shirley, Birmingham

There are certain people from Solihull who would be horrified by the very suggestion that this pub is in Birmingham, because it isn't really, it's in Solihull. But thankfully those sort of people don't drink here.

White Swan, Wythall, Birmingham

Dead. Dull. Just as I left it over two and a half years ago!

Full Moon, Fishponds, Bristol

Free jukebox + me = empty pub

Portcullis, Fishponds, Bristol

Well chavvy boozer with a plethora of unruly kids shouting at each other. Monkey see, monkey do...

Golden Lion, Fishponds, Bristol

Tatty 'music pub' with a darts obsession and the worst website ever. Google it - you won't be disappointed.

Star, Fishponds, Bristol

Where's Sky Sports FFS? However with Samantha Fox and AC/DC on the jukebox, I'm not complaining. Or am I?

Mason's Arms, Stapleton, Bristol

Loads of Rovers fans still banging on about the Birmingham game. Think I'll keep me gob shut. Mind you, shouldn't they be up the Mem by now? Fuckin armchairs.

Lamb Inn, Mangotsfield, Bristol

I like this pub too. I just won 45 quid on the fruit machine.

Staple Hill Oak, Staple Hill, Bristol

I like this pub. I just won 100 quid on the fruit machine.

Cross Hands, Fishponds, Bristol

Full of baby show-offs. 'Mine's cuter than yours' and all that. Get me out of here.

Crown and Horseshoe, Oldland Common, Bristol

I don't know why I like it, but I do. It could be the friendly puppy. It could be the hopeless abandon of all who enter here.

Dolphin, Oldland Common, Bristol

If anyone's actually reading this bollocks can you let me know, just to save me wasting my time? Thank you.

Three Crowns, Redfield, Bristol

Big old Victorian boozer - the kind I like. And it has its own mini pool hall on the side.

Fire Engine, Redfield, Bristol

Recently reopened, nice but not as good as it used to be. It used to have a cat and a parrot, but the old management have taken them to their new pastures.  Disappointed.

Black Horse, Redfield, Bristol

Grubby but friendly. And that's it mainly.

St. George's Hall, Redfield, Bristol

Wetherspoon's with two drinking levels. Bar is on the upper level, but fear not, disabled people of east Bristol, for there is a stairlift so that you too can spend your benefits here.

Old Stillage, Redfield, Bristol

Arbor Ales brewery tap, so always a quality pint guaranteed. Good jukebox too. A bit dead for a Saturday afternoon though.

Spotted Cow, Fishponds, Bristol

Here again. Because I love it.

Mason's Arms, Stapleton, Bristol

Cosy little pub with a plethora of friendly dogs. The punters are ok too. And it may soon be my local - watch this space.

Essex Arms, Kingswood, Bristol

Basic locals' boozer, where every customer is drinking cider, including me. Morrissey and Style Council on the jukebox - if TOWIE was about this Essex, I might be interested.

Spotted Cow, Fishponds, Bristol

Quirky, friendly locals' pub which ticks all the boxes - good beer, good food and football if you want it. And an EXTREMELY cute little dog.

Beehive, Horfield, Bristol

Ok after a brief period of not being arsed to update my blog, I'm back. Biggish roadhouse now converted to a gastropub. Pricey food to the left, reasonably-priced drinks to the right. Popular with workmen covered in plaster.

Rummer Hotel, Bristol

Overpriced up-its-own-arse hotel bar which serves no draught. The bottle-conditioned Bristol Beer Factory Milk Stout has been lovingly chilled to the temperature of a shit lager

Red Lion, Earlswood, Solihull

Nice country pub that belies its Solihull location by being very friendly and not up its own arse. Unsurprisingly owned by the same company as two top Bristol pubs - the Willy Wicket and the Brassmill

Square Peg, Birmingham

First time I've ever been served in here in under four hours. Ok I exaggerate - three hours. Speaking as someone who has been in more than 328 billion pubs, this has to be the worst. Ever.

Old Contemptibles, Birmingham

You would think from the name that this is a contender for Brum's most violent and hate-filled boozer. However nothing could be further from the truth. It has, however, fallen victim to the seemingly unstoppable Nicholson's takeover, but it's one of their better ones. And it has a lovely bog.

Old Royal, Birmingham

Typical Victorian Brummie boozer which was my 'regular' when I worked up the road. It's always packed on a weekday lunchtime, being in the business area, but it's strangely popular on a Saturday lunch too. There's no football on in Brum today, and they're not shoppers, so what their agenda is I don't know. None of my business anyway.

Wellington, Birmingham

Brum's premier ale house (that's my description, not theirs) with 18 beers on handpump plus a few real ciders too. Unfortunately it does tend to attract beer bores with oversized rucksacks but even that's better than the crazed Christmas-shopper-filled streets outside.

Channing's Hotel, Clifton, Bristol

Clifton's least-pretentious pub, where good beer and conversation abound. They used to have vinyl records attached to the wall, which have now mysteriously disappeared. Sign of the times perhaps - flogged on eBay?

Alma Tavern, Clifton, Bristol

More cunts than a copy of Razzle

Jersey Lily, Clifton Down, Bristol

Not a bad pub but they're serving two south-western beers with fuckin sparklers on the taps. I didn't notice until it was poured so didn't have chance to ask for it to be removed. And they've got no veggie main meals on the menu. Make the most of this post as I won't be back for a while.

Jersey Lily, Clifton Down, Bristol

Not a bad pub but they're serving two south-western beers with fuckin sparklers on the taps. I didn't notice until it was poured so didn't have chance to ask for it to be removed. And they've got no veggie main meals on the menu. Make the most of this post as I won't be back for a while.

Cambridge Arms, Redland, Bristol

No talk of masturbatory track-covering as last time, just a couple of blokes talking about Hong Kong being only nine hours away. I assume that's by aeroplane. No music on at all in here so I'm declaring it exempt from the Christmas song challenge.

Kebab & Calculator, Henleaze, Bristol

Better than last time I was in, but still lacking the atmosphere that it once had. Have I managed to avoid a Christmas song yet? Have I fuck!

Eastfield Inn, Henleaze, Bristol

I wonder if I can drink in a pub tonight without hearing a Christmas record. Probably not, but while the beer's this good, who cares?

Full Moon, Stokes Croft, Bristol

Crusty as fuck with a hint of dope in the air. But what else would you expect from Stokes Croft? Love it.

Hillgrove Porter Stores, Kingsdown, Bristol

Nice range of well-kept ales but full of young cunts with beards

Hare On The Hill, Kingsdown, Bristol

Bath Ales' first pub, quite small by their usual standards. Nice beer, shit Christmas tree.

The Crown, Birmingham

Another boring city centre pub with nice beer FORCED THROUGH A FUCKING SPARKLER and full of cunts. They're playing Metallica - that proves my point

Trocadero, Birmingham

Boring city centre pub with surprisingly good beer. This place was once unique as a football nutters' pub without a permanent allegiance - whoever was at home out of Blues and Villa claimed it as their territory for that afternoon. Then on the night the opposing fans would come down and it would bang off big style. I much preferred it back then.

Craven Arms, Birmingham

Cosy little corner pub, recently acquired by Black Country Ales and offering eleven ales as well as - get this - Thatcher's Gold (unusual for Brum). I have many happy memories of watching football here with my mates from the Royal Mail sorting office next door. Sadly that has now gone, as have the screens in the pub. Can't complain though - they're playing the whole of the White Album.

The Crown (The Knob), King's Heath, Birmingham

Part of the Crown Carvery chain - once the Kings Arms, always The Knob. Our drinks were on the house for reasons which I won't divulge online - good start to the weekend!

Swan, Almondsbury, Bristol

Overpriced pub which could be cosier and nicer than it is. Beer could be better too. In its defence, I've eaten here before and can recommend the food.

Griffin, Bridgeyate, Bristol

Watching my bet on Spurs to win go down the pan

Old Crown, Kelston, Somerset

A proper country pub, out on the old road between Bristol and Bath. Good beer, good food, good atmosphere and real fire to boot. In the words of the late, great Ian Dury, there's NOTHING wrong with it!

Green House, Bristol

No one who actually lives in Bristol, be they native or student, drinks here. It's just full of painters and decorators who are 'on a job out-of-town'. And the sort of women who want to shag painters and decorators who are 'on a job out-of-town'.

Bristol Ram, Bristol

Boring pub, boring music, nice beer, nice legs. 

Ship Inn, Bristol

There's one of those private-yet-open-to-everyone-but-if-you-touch-our-food-you're-fucking-dead parties going on. The music started well with Davids Cassidy and Essex but has now descended to the depths of 80s pop. Oh, hang on, it's just got worse - Ice Ice Baby. Time to go.

Zerodegrees, Bristol

I've only been here once before and the beer was shit. So I thought I'd give it another go. I've only been here twice and the beer is shit.

Colston Yard, Bristol

Once upon a time there was a magical land far, far away called Bristol. In this land there were two beautiful breweries, one called Smiles and another called Hardington. A young man named Richard used to travel for miles from his hometown of Birmingham to sample the delights that these two humble breweries had to offer. Sadly they no longer exist, however I am sitting in the pub that used to be Smiles' Brewery Tap. It's now owned by Butcombe and while the beer is excellent, I JUST WANT SMILES BACK! WAAAAAAHHH!

Gryphon, Bristol

Last time they were playing Iron Maiden. I thought it couldn't get any worse but now they're playing Everything I Do Is Driven By You by Brian May. Now I like 70s Queen, I like Brian's adventures in astrophysics and I particularly like his opposition to the badger cull. But this is taking the piss. ***UPDATE*** Their answer to Colin Hunt off The Fast Show has just walked in. What a wanker.

Graze, Bristol

Specially for the Festivity Ale mmmmm!

Beer Emporium, Bristol

Back again... fucking love this place!

Ye Olde Flower Pot, Kingswood, Bristol

Pretentious it ain't, in spite of the name. The only pretence going on in Kingswood is the pretence to be ill, and therefore avoid work. But back to the matter in hand - a proper locals' pub which seems to capture an atmosphere that the other 10-ish locals' pubs in Kingswood don't. Maybe because the landlord is none other than ex-Rovers defender Graham Day. Last time I was in here there was a little Brummie bloke named Pete, who informed me that he was always in here and known as 'Little Pete the Brummie'. He's not here tonight. 

King's Arms, Kingswood, Bristol

Basic, no-frills High Street pub. But fuck me does this man know how to keep a decent pint or what? To the best of my knowledge it was bought outright about three years ago as a failing pub by a young ale enthusiast who has kept it afloat since and is slowly but surely turning it into the pub it deserves to be. It'll take time but as long as the ales are this good along the way, who cares?

King William IV, Staple Hill, Bristol

Staple Hill's rough-as-arseholes-but-sound-if-you're-not-looking-for-trouble pub. Love it.

Portcullis, Staple Hill, Bristol

Corner pub which has undergone a very strange internal makeover - contemporary curtains and Venetian blinds adorn the windows, while the old fixtures and fittings have been decorated in hideous pink and red with white trim. Sign on on the wall reads 'Monday Madness - any cask ale £2.50' which is fine if you like Doom Bar because there ain't any others.

Mezzé at the Green Dragon, Downend, Bristol

This was probably once a good pub, but it's been modernised and turned into a foodie joint, with only four small tables apparently aimed at drinkers (judging by the lack of cutlery and menus). However the whole experience is enhanced by the flat screen TV high up on the wall showing a loop of a roaring fire. Hmmmm. 

Horseshoe, Downend, Bristol

High Street pub that has everything - beer, food, racing, football, live music, comfortable bar, even nicer lounge, bookie nearby... always busy but you never have to wait long to get served. If this place ever closes down I will have only one question - what the fuck did they do wrong?

Downend Tavern, Downend, Bristol

Always quiet, dunno why as the range of Wickwar beers is always good. Maybe I should come up on a weekend night.

Mill House, Emerson's Green, Bristol

Two weeks on from the last visit and still no nuts. No ale either. Pricks. At least there are no horrible children this time but I won't be back in a hurry.

Golden Heart, Winterbourne Down, Bristol

£13.50 for two drinks, a bag of crisps and some nuts. I'd report them for daylight robbery if it wasn't dark outside. Nice cosy pub with real fire and good beer.

Beer Emporium, Bristol

Ok, I need to set the record straight thanks to my own pissedness last week. I have NEVER drank in the King William Ale House thus far. This will change, I just haven't got round to it yet. The Old Royal Navy Volunteer is the pub I drank in last Saturday, before I came to this one. Ok back to the present day - oh I can't remember what I was saying.

V-Shed, Harbourside, Bristol

It's not a Wetherspoons - how dare you even suggest such a thing. It's a Lloyd's No. 1. Apparently.

BSB, Harbourside, Bristol

I can only assume it stands for Bristol's Shittest Bar

Pranj's Bar, Bristol

Never even noticed this place before. Seems an ok place to watch sport, but it's like meeting a bird in a nightclub after you've been on the piss all day - it'll do for a quick one but you wouldn't go back there. Actually that's how I met my wife.

Commercial Rooms, Bristol

Ornate Wetherspoons which is packed. If I have got a drink problem at least I'm not alone

Horts, Bristol

First time I ever drank here was Feb 2004 when we came to Bristol for the Mrs's birthday - it was the only place we could find that was showing the Blues v Villa derby (which finished 0-0) ah the good old days. If you'd told me back then that in 10 years time I'd be living here I would have said 'yeah you're probably right'. They've recently refurbed and now it's more geared towards eating. At least it had some punters though, which made me feel a bit better.

The Bank, Bristol

While it's nice to have a whole pub to myself, it does make me wonder whether I've got a problem drinking this early when clearly no one else is

Colston Arms, Kingsdown, Bristol

To my left, the bar and some ordinary punters. To my right, a table of cunts. You know the sort - they talk a bit too loudly about bollocks in a non-descript accent. Nice beer though.

Beerd, Kingsdown, Bristol

Ok it's a Bath Ales pub and it serves quality cask ale, but it's another one of those pubs that's promoting keg beers as if they're something to be proud of. I'm not talking about the odd promotional poster for Carlsberg or Worthingtons Smoothflow (which was once considered a big enough threat) but a fucking blackboard listing all the keg delights as if they're something to be savoured. I expected better from my neighbourhood brewery.

Highbury Vaults, Kingsdown, Bristol

Every time I come here I look at the Smiles Brewery logos which remain behind the bar and burst into tears with grief. It's actually a very nice trad pub with good beer but OH GOD SMILES WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE WAAAAAHHHHH!

Shakespeare, Redland, Bristol

Nice old boozer which, in spite of a certain amount of modernisation, retains original features such as wooden panelling, stained glass, etc. Certain little clues suggest this was once an Ansell's pub, however I've been served my pint of Butcombe in a Banks's glass. 'Ome from 'ome ay it!

Cambridge Arms, Redland, Bristol

Fuller's 'other' pub in Bristol, the one which not so many people know about. Real fire, good beer, and two blokes discussing deleting internet history in order to cover their porn tracks. See - it's not just you.

Westbury Park Tavern, Henleaze, Bristol

Or the Kebab and Calculator. Yep, the actual pub that features in The Young Ones episode 'Boring'. Six hand pumps again but this time four have the badges turned around leaving only Abbot Ale (I feel sick just thinking about it) or Doom Bar, which isn't in bad condition, but it's still Doom Bar. To be fair I've been here before and had a lovely pint of Butcombe - maybe they're just having an off day.

"Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?" "You hum it, I'll smash your face in."

Eastfield Inn, Henleaze, Bristol

Nice comfy pub in a north Bristol suburb with 6 ales on offer, the one of which I'm drinking is in top nick. Not many bodies in though; they could do with advertising as it wasn't on my radar as an ale house. Worth seeking out.

Crown & Horseshoe, Oldland Common, Bristol

Second-nearest pub to my house. Free curry and chips available to all those playing darts. I wish I could play darts. Somerset Paddies playing here on 22nd - it'll be just like a night out in Digbeth

Kellaway Arms, Horfield, Bristol

Unusual modern-looking pub with a cosy feel, although that could be because it's so bleeding hot in here (Ember Inns take note). Macabre Man Utd tribute on the wall - no, I'm not taking a photo, come and see for yourself.

Wellington, Horfield, Bristol

Large Bath Ales pub a gnat's piss from the Rovers ground. As can be expected, top quality beer (of which there are 5 available), plus their own real cider. Starting to fill up as people finish work and get into one-day-til-the-weekend mode

Huntsman, Emerson's Green, Bristol

Marston's eatery serving a not-bad pint of Pedigree, the only remarkable thing being the old bloke in a mac trying to win a soft toy on the crane machine. It might be perfectly innocent but you can see where my mind's going...

White Harte, Bridgeyate, Bristol

Cliquey locals' pub, good beer but bad vibes. Not just this time but every time.

Black Castle, Brislington, Bristol

It's shaped like a castle, and it's black. On the outside it is anyway. Inside it's very orange, even the pool tables. I once heard that orange is supposed to make one want to drink more. It's working.

Victoria Park, Bedminster, Bristol

More like a crèche than a pub, full of 'mine's cuter than yours' baby show-offs. Nice view from the back window though.

'Beer Emporium' King William Ale House, Bristol

It was called the King William before but I can't knock its new guise. A wide range of beers, but in an unusual move they're selling keg versions of the same beers at a higher price. Has the world gone mad or am I pissed? ***UPDATE*** They're actually two different entities, next door to each other. The above description does apply to both though. Weird.

Graze, Queen's Square(ish), Bristol

Before I start I have to say that the beer is superb. As I'd expect from a Bath Ales 'pub'. The reason for the sarcastic inverted commas is because I walked over to a table to be told by the server that it was in the eating area so I'd have to find a table 'over there' if I was only having a pint. Unfortunately there aren't many tables OVER HERE so as I type there is another poor bastard who only wants a drink standing in front of me looking for a... Four fit women just landed on my table - all drinking ale, all from Stourbridge and one of them is the partner of a Bath Ales co-owner. I couldn't make it up.

Stable, Harbourside, Bristol

Pizza and local cider emporium. I was wary at first but I've been turned. I now officially like real cider. Haven't tried the pizza yet but it's on the to-do list.

Gryphon, Bristol

Real ale/heavy metal specialist pub. Now I like both but please, not Iron Maiden. The first time I ever came here it was a gay bar called the Griffin. Well at least the name's changed a bit.

Roo Bar, Clifton Down, Bristol

Novelty Aussie bar packed with rugby fans watching the rugby. Don't they know the football's on?

Penny Farthing, Clifton Down, Bristol

This is a real pub. Sorry to piss on your parade Vittoria but you DON'T have exclusive rights to your ridiculous claim. And this one's open.

Penny Farthing, Clifton Down, Bristol

This is a real pub. Sorry to piss on your parade Vittoria but you DON'T have exclusive rights to your ridiculous claim. And this one's open.

W G Grace, Clifton Down, Bristol

Description as last post. No I'm not being a Wetherspoons tightarse, but the self-styled 'real pub on Whiteladies Road' Vittoria a couple of doors away is closed (not closed down, just not open). Rather an open Wetherspoons than a closed 'real' pub anyday.

Berkeley, Clifton Triangle, Bristol

Sprawling Wetherspoons offering cheap drinks in an otherwise pricey part of town. And the beer's good. Job done.

Red Lion, Whitehall, Bristol

Well if I hadn't had to opt for a can of Thatcher's at the last pub I could have sampled one of the splendid ales which they serve here (I've been here before). But my taste buds only go one way, so Thatcher's it is, again! I have to admit that I deliberately made a beeline for this part of town as there's a cracking punk gig going on here. I hope they say some naughty words.

White Hart, Whitehall, Bristol

First time I've ever found this pub open. I walk in and there are two people present (in the seated area) - the landlady and an apparent simpleton who keeps proclaiming that he is 'the next generation'. I stand at the bar for about a minute, then the landlady shouts up 'what is it you want?' Good question. What the fuck would I want from a pub? I opt for the simple answer and order a can of Thatcher's Gold with which I'm duly furnished, in a plastic 'glass'. I momentarily think 'no wonder pubs are closing down' before being reminded that my drinking buddy is 'the next generation'.

Cat & Wheel, Montpelier, Bristol

Another pub which seems to get my unconditional love for reasons that I can't explain. In one direction there's a leggy bird in a short dress playing pool (and yes, she's bending over to take her shot with her back to me), but in another there's a fat scrumpy drinker whose next scheduled wash coincides with the next appearance of Halley's Comet

Prince Of Wales, Montpelier, Bristol

Largely unspoiled pub retaining a lot of its charm*, including nice leaded stained windows. There's a bloke in here who looks a lot like a bloke from Wythall, but the latter bloke is dead so it can't be him.     *Ok I'm not a pub historian or architectural expert so don't get on my case, it just feels comfortable to me. Not that anyone else is reading this bollocks anyway...

Hobgoblin, Bishopston, Bristol

It does exactly what it says on the tin, ie sells Hobgoblin ale. Good job they didn't name it after the Dog's Bollocks that's so proudly offered alongside. This used to be a really dingy pub with shit beer so for once, the recent makeover is welcomed. If you want a laugh check this out, it's the building on the left. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrNQbaW6unE

Robin Hood's Retreat, Bishopston, Bristol

What the fuck Robin Hood has to with Bristol I don't know, but it's a nice boozer, if a little quiet. Good drinking area with the majority of the pub more geared to gastronomic affairs. Ale is exceptionally good, and it's right opposite the Bristol North Baths building, which was the Fascist Pig Bank in the Young Ones.

Sandringham, Bromley Heath, Bristol

Another freezing Ember Inn, surprisingly popular with OAPs who clearly don't feel the cold so choose to spend their winter fuel allowance here. Nice beer though, straight from the cask too.

Mill House, Emerson's Green, Bristol

Estate eatery chain which has pissed me off twofold - a) they've sold out of salted nuts, and b) there are hordes of noisy children running around. Cunts.

Beaufort Arms, Stoke Gifford, Bristol

My mistake - it HAS got a real fire, and it's lit! Nice drop of Great Western Ruby Porter too.

Lebeq's Tavern, Easton, Bristol

All the rumours you've heard are bollocks. Cool pub.

Three Blackbirds, Easton, Bristol

White people bar right, black people bar left. I don't think there's anything sinister going on though, it's just the local culture. I'm in bar left and nobody's batted an eyelid

Coach House, Easton, Bristol

Not much to report. Apart from some poor fish in a too-small tank who appear to have been forgotten for a month or two

Black Swan, Easton, Bristol

I'm not being racist or anything BUT... the black people round here are much friendlier than the white people. Good pub where every head is turned towards the TV and supporting Liverpool. Except me.

Sugar Loaf, Easton, Bristol

Could this be the best pub in Bristol? Lovely ale, lovely pub, lovely music playing (QOTSA) and lovely pictures on the wall. Mainly of bands, but they've even got one which suggests they're evolutionists so, as I always say, WHAT THE FUCK IS NOT TO LIKE????????

Chelsea Inn, Easton, Bristol

Bohemian boozer - nice tunes and atmos but not the sort of place I'd take my mom to. Although I did take her and the old man to the Red Lion down the road a couple of years ago. Soul on a roll but but you treat it like soap on a rope 'cause  the beats and the lines are so dope. Sorry, I was just singing along.

Jolly Roger, Easton, Bristol

It doesn't open until 4, but the very friendly landlord let me in for a cheeky pint anyway. And he gave me a few pointers to pubs which I though had closed down, but haven't. What a nice man.

Queen's Head, Easton, Bristol

I didn't actually mean to come here, I took the wrong exit from the underpass and fate took its course. A bikers' pub, in which an Irish punter is having a friendly argument with the Bristolian barmaid about how one shoud pronounce the word 'siren'. You don't get this by sitting at home in front of the TV.

Maypole, Hanham, Bristol

I normally give Greene King pubs a wide berth but I got fed up of waiting for the bus outside (and you've guessed it - it turned up just as I got a pint). It's a nice boozer. Well it would be - Hanham doesn't appear to have any not-nice boozers.

Jolly Sailor, Hanham, Bristol

Hanham's Wetherspoons. Pretty much what you'd expect, but considerably cleaner than its local counterparts in Kingswood and Redfield. I went for Bateman's Hazelnut Brownie Ale, a snip at £2.15 when you consider its strength - 6.3%. Start as you mean to go on...

King William IV, Warmley, Bristol

THE local. As in the nearest pub to where I keep my LPs, rifle the wife and pay council tax. I was given a filthy look for walking in at 2255 and expecting to be able to exchange hard cash for a pint of fermented apple juice. However it's now gone 11 and they're still happily serving the locals. But I am a local now aren't I? Aren't I?

The Crown, Bristol

Ooh my good God! Calm down Morton, you're an atheist. Lots of young ladies in rather sexy hosiery. I think I've died and gone to Heaven. Calm down Morton, you're an atheist. But they're idiots, Hallowe'en was yesterday, it's All Saints' Day. Calm down Morton, you're a fucking atheist. Jesus Christ.

Mother's Ruin, Bristol

I can't put my finger on what I like about this pub. I just like it, and have done for a while. They have a lot of music-related pics on the wall, but so do a lot of shit pubs. You're just going to have to live without an explanation.

Brew Dog, Bristol

CRAFT BEER MY FUCKING ARSE. KEG SHIT. While I have no problem with pubs that don't serve real ale, a chain that produces keg beer and has the audacity to label it 'craft' can fuck right off

Ye Shakespeare, tantalisingly-close-to-Redcliffe-but-still-the-centre, Bristol

Or 'THE Shakespeare' as the less pretentious might say. Empty. Dull. Boring. But at least it's not little! And Northern Lights by Renaissance is playing. That can only be a good thing. Yes I know one shouldn't start a sentence with 'And' but I'm past caring. Blinded By The Light by Manfred Mann's Earth Band has just come on too. I'm beginning to like this place.

King's Head, Bristol

An amazing little (aaagghh!!) pub which has to be seen to be believed. A whole wooden-panelled original 'snob-screened' area at the back keeps the gentry away from the hoi-polloi at the street end. Well I for one wouldn't want to drink with the working class, would you?

Seven Stars, Bristol

Nice little (there's a theme emerging here - I need to get to some bigger boozers) ale pub slap bang next to the famous Fleece music venue. CAMRA Pub Of The Year 2013. And therein could lie the problem. Full of beardy fools with large bags who haven't yet grasped that these days you can fit the Good Beer Guide, all your maps, train timetables and the all-important beer-ticking notebook on an iPhone which fits in your back pocket

The Bank, Bristol

Nice little specialist ale pub, however only two of the five handpulls have any beer on. Nice drop of Teignworthy Pumpkin Ale. Full of people dressed in Hallowe'en costumes - now they're either still out on the piss from last night, in which case they have my utmost admiration, or they've made a dreadful faux pas by not realising that today is All Saints' Day. I suspect the latter. Twats.

White Lion, Bristol

'The best little pub on the Centre' proclaims the sign outside. And they're right. Nice range of Wickwar beers, the only drawback being that the bogs are down a narrow ornate cast-iron spiral staircase. Not a good idea when drink has been taken. And some dirty bastard has just farted.

Griffin Inn, Bridgeyate, Bristol

Again. Well it does save me having to go to the effort of verbally ordering our drinks. Or does it...? New barmaid tonight - bastard. It is warm though.

Beefeater, Emerson's Green, Bristol

Why is everywhere so bleeding cold tonight? I know the fuel companies are fleecing us all but if you want your punters to stay you need to make a bit of effort. For once we got served here straight away by unusually friendly bar staff. Maybe things are looking up for this place.

Beaufort Arms, Stoke Gifford, Bristol

Sister pub of the Three Brooks up the road, with the good ale but without the real fire. It could do with it too, it's bastard freezing in here. It does however win the 'Best Bog Tap' award as it actually stays on sufficiently long enough for one to wash one's hands, unlike most.

STOP PRESS

Late fruit machine win pays for all tonight's pub visits. Doss.

Griffin Inn, Bridgeyate, Bristol

The local. As in the most regularly stopped-at local pub on the way home from work. As in the only pub that has our drinks ready before we've even reached the bar. The local local, as in nearest to home, is the Billy. Might be there tomorrow. Watch this space.

Lamb Inn, Mangotsfield, Bristol

Sizzling Pub - one of the better ones IMHO. Had to wait ages for a couple of old geezers to get off the fruities - it was worth it though. Came out with £3 more than I went in with. Well it paid for the round didn't it?

Three Brooks, Bradley Stoke, Bristol

Real ale and real fire - what's not to like? Cracking pint of Revolutions E.P.

One of my favourite pubs in Bristol, beer always kept well enough to rival a beer festival.

Strange bloke sitting on his own with earphones in... just like I normally do, maybe he could be my new special friend.